


Not sure if I want to let go

by redhoodparker



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Requested, Vomiting, blood test mention, but also angst because inner termiol, but also reggie is soft and in love, from my tumblr, hospital mention, the reader has a terminal illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:49:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26580130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redhoodparker/pseuds/redhoodparker
Summary: Falling in love with a ghost is hard, but throw in a terminal illness with the clock quickly counting down an things get complicated
Relationships: JATP Reggie/Reader, Reggie/reader
Comments: 29
Kudos: 141
Collections: The_Newbie's Julie and the Phantoms Fanfics





	Not sure if I want to let go

**Author's Note:**

> This was requested over on my tumblr @redhoodparker! I have a more in depth a/n over there but ao3 feels more sophisticated to me so... yeah. anyway i will say that i know nothing about terminal illnesses so the one featured i just made up as i went :)

Finding out you were dying before you could graduate high school sucked, especially when it was a drawn-out and often painful process. But you had been told not to plan for your future when you were in your first month of high school, so you had had a couple of years to come to terms with it, sort of. You hadn’t told your friends though, Julie and Flynn didn’t need to know. It was easier to die quietly and for them to find out after the fact than for you to tell them and have them coddling you and treating you like a different person.

“Hey, Julie,” you called out as you walked towards her mother’s studio so you wouldn’t frighten her, “your dad told me you would be out here?” Opening the door, you realised that you were the one in for a fright. “Uh… who are these guys?” Julie and three guys holding instruments whipped around to face you. You had an appointment the day Julie performed at the spirit assembly, and you weren’t really on social media, so you didn’t know that she had a ‘hologram band’ and that these guys were it.

"You can see us?” The guy behind the drum kit knocked his chair over as he stood in a rush, the other two guys just stared at you, dumbfounded.

“Of course I can?” It was the stupidest question you had ever heard, of course you could see them. You looked at Julie, who also stared at you wide-eyed. “Julie, why are these random guys confused -that I can see them?"

“Oh, well um.” She panicked as she looked between you and each of the three guys before realising you weren’t there the day she first performed, and therefore didn’t have to tell you the hologram lie. “They’re my new bandmates.” Obviously having no reason to question this, you turned back around to them.

“Oh! Well then, hi!” You gave them all a quick wave. “I’m Y/N, nice to meet you guys!” The one behind the drums had moved to be beside the bassist, as the other guy, holding a guitar walked over too.

“I’m Alex.” He mirrored your wave with a beaming smile.

“Luke.” The guitarist had pushed his guitar down and to his back, waving slightly, but clearly still very confused. There was a growing pause as the bassist just stared at you, mouth ever so slightly agape. Alex dug his elbow quickly into his side, which caused him to jump. It looked like he went to hold his hand out, but changed his mind, but you didn’t pay any mind to the movement, as he broke into a smile that made you almost forget your name.

“The name’s Reggie, nice to meet you.” He greeted with a quick wink, and you felt your cheeks warm before you broke eye contact and turned to Julie.

“So, bandmates? Wanna play me a song?” They all quickly scattered into place as you moved to sit on the couch. The song they played was more rock than the songs she normally wrote and played, but you were enjoying it all the same. Your eyes moved between them all, but got stuck when you saw Reggie. He winked again, your cheeks warmed up again, and you laughed lightly. But as you watched him bounce his way over to Luke to share the microphone as Julie belted the second chorus, you felt your mind wander. You wanted to see Julie and hopefully Flynn today because you had an appointment with your doctor this morning. The results from your recent blood test had come back and it wasn’t good. You had been told at the original diagnosis that you may not see your high school graduation, but then less than a year later you were given a college graduation. The idea of a college graduation had you naively planning for a future, planning to have a job and maybe even fall in love. You knew it was stupid, but you had been given seven more years, so maybe you could get some more. But that morning, you had been given eight months at most. You had been all cried-out well before you got to Julie’s place, and by the time you had, you convinced yourself you were back in the headspace of living for the present. 

With a final strum on the guitar, they all took a bow, and you stood up, climbing onto the couch as you whooped and clapped. 

“That was amazing!” Jumping down you continued clapping, and you high-fived Julie. You spun to Reggie, hand still slightly raised, but you quickly lowered it, noticing he hadn’t moved from his bass. “You guys are awesome!” You pointed your finger as you spun again, making sure that each of them was pointed at in turn. 

“Thank you, thank you.” Luke bowed with a dramatic flourish. You noticed Julie looking at him, and when you caught her eye you winked. The girl had a crush, and it was very obvious. But she just rolled her eyes, darted them at Reggie behind you, and winked back. Before you could think of a response, the doors swung open.

“I have arrived!” Her arms were above her head with a hand on either door. “Oh hey, Y/N!” With a quick skip she gave you a hug, before giving one to Julie. “How are my girls doing?”

“Oh good!” Spinning on your heel to face her. “Julie and the guys just played me one of their songs and they are so good!” Flynn laughs, remembering that you hadn’t seen them perform yet.

“Aw, thank you.” Reggie himself lets out a laugh behind you and you look over your shoulder at him with a smile. 

“You are very welcome.” When you turn back, though, Flynn has the same confused look that everyone else had when you first entered the studio.

“You can see them?” Once again, you were thoroughly confused by the question. Why was everyone confused by the fact that you could see the three very cute guys in Julie’s studio? Flynn waved her arms at Julie almost yelling, “how can she see them?”

“Why does everyone keep asking me that? Of course I can see them.” Your own hands move rapidly in frustration. “I’m not blind!”

“Because they’re ghosts!” The second the words leave her mouth, her hands slapped over it, trying to force them back in. You let out a short breath, shoulders dropping, eyes wide.

“What?” You feel lightheaded, room spinning as you look at each of the guys in turn. They all seemed embarrassed, Luke with his hand on the back of his neck, Alex looking at his feet and Reggie rocking on his feet not looking at you. “What do you mean they’re ghosts? Like, they’re dead? Ghost ghosts?” You almost hyperventilated. “No.” 

“Hey, you’re okay.” Julie and Flynn rushed over and helped you sit back on the couch before sitting on either side of you. Despite looking very unsure themselves, the guys moved and sit on the coffee table in front of you. “Just breathe.”

“Do you-” Alex cuts himself off, unsure of whether or not you’d actually want to speak to them. But you look up slowly, hands gripping Julie and Flynn’s. “Do you want to ask us anything?” You nod, before taking a slow breath.

“When?” You didn’t know whether the question was… insensitive, but you had to know.

“‘95.” It was said so off-handedly, like Alex was just telling you what he wanted to eat, not like he had just told you when they died. All you can do is hum in response. Another deep breath.

“Why can’t Flynn see you?” You look over to her as you ask, you knew the real question was why could you, normal people don’t see ghosts.

“No idea.” You scoff out a laugh, looking back at the three guys, the three ghosts sitting on the coffee table in front of you. This wasn’t the worst news you heard that day, weirdest but not the worst.

“Well okay then.” Your voice had lost all its nerves and you seemed to be okay again. “You guys working on any other new music we can hear or..?”

–

Alex was off somewhere with Willy, and Luke and Julie were in her room working on some new lyrics, which left you and Reggie in the studio. He was trying to teach you to play the bass, but it was pretty difficult because every time he reached out to adjust your fingers, his hand went through. At this point, you didn’t remember if you actually wanted to learn the bass, or just wanted to be close to Reggie, but it didn’t really matter. You were having fun and a laugh and stupidly feeding the crush that had formed over the past month you had known him. He made you laugh and feel safe. It was dumb, having a crush on a ghost, but the energy Reggie had - all the guys had, really - made it feel like he was still breathing, and not made of nothing. 

“Okay so my fingers go here and here?” You looked at him tentatively, trying to both make eye-contact with him, and avoid it. He gave you a proud smile and nodded, and you tried to make it look like you hadn’t just become a puddle of softness. 

“Then strum down.” You did as instructed and looked back at him for approval. He raised his hand for a high five and you did the same, before you both high fived yourselves. It was something you had figured out a week into your friendship as you both were very into high fives, but it’s very difficult to high five when one party is made of air. 

“You ready to put it all together?” The song was one of the Sunset Curve’s slower ones, much easier to learn.

“No.” He snorted at you, shaking his head. 

“Let’s do this then.” So you did, hoping his confidence would rub off on you.

A couple of missed notes, and a restart or two from some major blunders, but you eventually got it.

“I knew you could do it!” You let out a light shriek in celebration.

“If I could hug you I would. You’re an incredible teacher!” You take the bass off and put it back on the stand. “Thank you.” The sad smile he gave you was very different to the one you gave him. His was a look of ‘I wish I could hug you too’, yours was ‘in a couple of months maybe I’ll be able to’. 

When you were with him, it was a constant internal battle of wanting to stay alive so you could have a future and know you could see him and your friends, but also wanting to give up so that maybe you could actually touch him, and because you were just so tired of fighting sometimes. It was a depressing thought, giving up. Not that it wasn’t one you hadn’t had before. A month after your first diagnosis, you had accepted your death, much to your parents’ chagrin. They wanted you, their baby, to stay alive. It broke their hearts to see you giving up. 

“You are most very welcome.” His ever-cheerful voice broke you out of what was going to become a downward mental spiral. “Next time I’m teaching you one of our more upbeat songs.” He laughs and you assume it’s at the fear in your eyes at the idea of learning a harder song. “You’ll kill it, trust me.”

–

After days of non-stop begging, the guys had finally agreed to teach Julie some of their old music, and you and Flynn were having a private Sunset Curves concert with hits straight from 1995. And you had to admit, the songs sounded better coming from Sunset Curves than they ever did from Trevor - who you had found out recently was actually their fourth band-mate who stole the songs and credit from Luke. 

Whenever a stolen song or one you knew was played, you and Flynn screamed the lyrics back, while for songs you hadn’t heard, you just danced and jumped and had a great time. 

“And this, our final song, will slow it down a bit because you three,” Luke waved his finger between you, Flynn, and Julie, “look like you are about to collapse.” At the mention of a slow song, you and Flynn pull out your phones and turn on your flashlights, while Julie rushes over to the light switch and turns them off. Expecting Julie to go back to centre stage, you are slightly surprised when she walks over to Reggie’s usual mic, while he walks to the centre. 

As the slow melody started playing, Flynn threw her arm over your shoulder while holding her phone up with her opposite hand and you put your own arm around her waist. The pair of you swayed back and forth to the unfamiliar song. You had borrowed the Sunset Curve demo from Julie shortly after becoming friends with them meaning you knew a fair chunk of their old music, but they only ever got to record one demo so hearing an unrecorded original straight from 1995 was strange but not surprising. 

At least, you thought it was one of their old songs until you heard ‘I just want to be able to hold you close’. You probably would have missed the line if you hadn’t been staring at Reggie’s gorgeous eyes, that was what made it click that the line - the whole song really - was being sung to you, for you. Frozen, you slightly swayed back and forth during the song, but it was largely due to Flynn, who was giggling and aw-ing beside you. 

You barely noticed the song end, barely noticed Luke and Alex ‘poof’ away, barely noticed Julie grab Flynn’s arm and drag her out of the studio. All you could see was Reggie, who pushed his bass behind his back and moved in front of you. 

“Hey.” It was so soft, so quiet, and so unlike the normal loud and energetic Reggie. He held his hands out in front of him, palms up, and you hovered your own above them, palms down. 

“Hey.” You didn’t want to look away from him, lost in his features. 

“Look, I really like you, and as much as it kills me,” he gives a short laugh at the phrase while you roll your eyes, “to not be able to hold your hands properly, I can live with-” You interrupt him with a scoff and another eye roll. 

“You’re doing it on purpose now.” 

“Maybe, but the point is that I wanna see if we can make something work.” His eyes go wide. “That is if you like me too! I should have probably led with that.”

“Reg,” you try to hold back a huge smile, “I like you too.” 

“Oh good because I was so worried-”

—

Dates were hard when one person was a ghost - much like many many things that came with befriending and dating ghosts - but you made it work. Most of them were in Julie’s studio, or in the park where it looked like you were on the phone having a picnic alone, but even if the rest of the world thought you were a very strange teenager having a romantic picnic alone, you knew you were there with Reggie. Another thing you had to plan around was your doctor’s appointments. Your mild case of dying from a terminal illness was still a secret, though it was getting harder to hide. You felt tired more often, woke up frequently in the middle of the night from pain that felt like it wouldn’t end. You managed to hide the flashes of pain you sometimes got from them all, but it was getting harder.

“… and honestly I’m still not sure why those hotdogs killed us!” Reggie threw his hands up as he finished a more detailed retelling of their final night alive. You had heard briefly that they were set to play the Orpheum before eating shady street ‘dogs which ultimately killed them, but you had asked if he could tell you the story with as much detail as he could remember. 

You lighted slightly as you rolled your eyes and leaned back on your hands, eyes briefly pausing on the floating chairs on the ceiling of the studio.

“Maybe,” you dragged out the ‘a’ sound, smiling, “it was because they were stored next to the sauces in the engine of a shitty car. You literally got poisoned, babe.” His eyes widened and his mouth dropped slightly as if you had just told him the secret of the universe. 

A sudden sharp pain blooms on your right side and your hand flies to grip it, sucking in a sharp breath. You force yourself to take slow deep breaths through your teeth, trying to diminish the pain, forgetting for a moment that Reggie is there. He stares at you with fear in his eyes, thoroughly concerned for you. Every time you take a breath too quickly or deeply, the needle-like stabbing pain returns back to full strength, and it takes a couple of minutes for the pain to finally go down enough that you can move your hand away. As you do you slowly look up at Reggie.

“Are you okay? What was that?” His hands move clearly showing how he wanted to hold you, comfort you, but can’t. Doing your best to hide that you were lying you smiled softly,

“I had really bad asthma as a kid, and sometimes I get random lung pains as a side-effect. I’m fine though, promise.” It was total bullshit. Asthma doesn’t have side-effects because it doesn’t really go away. But the biggest bullshit was the fact that you never had asthma. Luckily, though, Reggie accepted the lie, leaving a pit of guilt to build. You hated lying to him, but telling the truth would hurt so much more.

–

You had missed another first period history class because of another appointment, but Julie was helping you study to catch up. It was your fourth in as many weeks and there was an exam coming up in the next couple of weeks. Despite the fact that your time was quickly running out with four months left and so passing your classes was pointless, you had to keep up appearances, so you agreed to let Julie help you out. 

But while Julie may have been one of the top in the class and an excellent tutor, the three himbos she called bandmates and you called friends were all but useless. 

Luke was lying across the foot of the bed on his stomach, legs swinging in the air. Alex was drumming on Julie’s desk with pens he had stolen from you. And Reggie was sitting between you and Julie, occasionally pointing to pictures in the textbook to make a comment. 

“Reginald I swear if you point at that picture of Caesar while saying salad ingredients again, I’m kicking you out of the band and replacing you with Y/N.” Julie whipped around, braided pigtails flying as she pointed at him.

“Oooh. She used your _full_ name.” Alex teased, throwing one of the pens at him. 

“You can’t replace me!” Reggie feigned insult while rubbing his forehead where the pen hit. “Besides, I was the one who taught her bass!”

“And you are an excellent teacher, and I will happily replace you.” You let out a giggle as you looked over at him.

“She’s prettier than you anyway,” Luke rested his chin on his hand and tilted his head to look up at Reggie, “you really bring down the aesthetics of the band.” Reggie stuck out his tongue before meeting your eyes.

“You are definitely prettier than me, though.” You scrunched up your nose and your cheeks went warm as they usually did when Reggie paid you a compliment. He blew you a kiss before flopping back, the bed shifting slightly. 

That night, to give your parents who constantly were transporting you everywhere a break, you had a sleepover with Julie. You weren’t sure if the boys actually needed to sleep, or were just pretending, but they were scattered on the floor of Julie’s room, while you and Julie shared her bed. You had built a wall of pillows in the middle of the bed at your request, you hadn’t told her why but it was just in case you needed to get up in the middle of the night for some pain medication or to throw up, and you didn’t want to wake her if you did need to. You hadn’t told your parents about the throwing up yet, or they wouldn’t have let you stay at Julie’s. You had promised yourself that you would tell them at the next doctor’s appointment in three weeks, but as you hugged the toilet bowl, spitting the last of the foul-tasting saliva from your mouth, you knew that you wouldn’t be able to keep it from them until then.

The doctor had warned you at the beginning that as your illness progressed, you may experience vomiting, whether that be from the ever-changing medications or the progression itself, but it still sucked. 

The frequency of the vomiting had increased from once a fortnight, to at least every second day two weeks prior. It sucked, especially when you knew that it meant you didn’t have as long as the doctors said left. 

As you turned to move to the basin to brush your teeth, you jumped. Stood in the doorway was Reggie. 

“I heard you throwing up. Are you okay?” His voice was soft again, and with your toothbrush in your mouth, you nearly caved then and there. Reggie was not someone to shy away from his feelings, but you had picked up early on that what you couldn’t read in his face, you could hear in his voice. This soft voice was one of the few reserved specifically for you, it was full of love and concern and it made you want to spill your guts every time. But you never did.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You hated lying to him, and you hated that he couldn’t tell you were lying. “I had something for lunch that smelt funny but I thought nothing of it. Turns out I should have.” Spitting out the last of the toothpaste foam, you shrug then rinse. 

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” This was the first time he ever questioned when you said you were fine. A voice in the back of your head was screaming that this was bad, but there was another telling you that maybe if he figured out you were dying, then you wouldn’t actually have to say the words.

“I know.” You wanted to hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, anything. He was incredible and you loved him. You loved him. That was the moment when you realised that you were in too deep, and in love with Reggie.

–

Your time was running out. Higher dosage of medications, more frequent trips to the doctor, vomiting almost every night. You were exhausted and it was almost impossible at this point to hide your pain from your friends and boyfriend. You had visibly paled, bags were a permanent fixture under your eyes, and even though it was the middle of spring, you always had a large jumper on because you just couldn’t get warm anymore. But still, you made an effort to go to Julie’s every Saturday to spend time with Reggie, and to give feedback on songs and performances. But even though you were counting the months, you weren’t paying attention to them anymore, which was how you managed to forget your birthday. 

“Surprise!” The second the door to the studio was open, you were jumpscared. Hand to your heart, with the other gripping onto your backpack strap you let out a breathy laugh. 

“Shit you guys!” Flynn wraps you in a hug before handing you over to Julie. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry,” you look over at Reggie who was apologising, but ended up staring at Alex who was pretending he wasn’t pointing at Luke, “didn’t mean to scare you so bad.  
“‘S all good.” You let out another laugh and blew a kiss at Reggie. 

The studio is decorated with balloons and streamers in white, silver, and various shades of your favourite colour. The decoration planning was clearly done by Flynn, but with the way the streamers were twisted and almost falling, either it was executed by the boys, or they tried playing soccer in the studio again. The coffee table had half a dozen bowls of various chips, candies and snacks. In the centre was a store-bought cake with ‘Happy Birthday Y/N’ written in icing on top. A sheet had been hung from the loft with a projector on the shelf behind the couch, which had been folded out to be a bed. 

After a heavily practiced and very over the top Julie and the Phantoms version of ‘happy birthday’, you, Flynn and Julie curled up on the sofa-bed, with Luke beside Julie, Reggie beside you, and Alex lying across the bottom, and a marathon of your favourite movies began. 

At one point, a movie that the guys apparently knew very well played, and Alex and Luke stood up and started acting out a very dramatic scene between the two leads. The four of you left on the couch were in stitches. You and Julie had tears rolling down her cheeks and Flynn was trying to catch her breath. Reggie nearly rolled off the side of the couch, before jumping up to fill the role of a third character who had walked on screen. It was the best laugh you had had in a long time. 

But it wasn’t until you couldn’t breathe in anymore without pains through your chest that you realised that something was wrong. You let out a high squeak of a gasp as you tried to get Julie’s attention. 

The light-hearted scene was shattered as everyone realised that you couldn’t breath. Nobody knew what was happening, but you did. You were running out of time far more quickly than you thought. 

At some point, your parents and an ambulance had been called, but you weren’t sure how long it had taken. It didn’t seem like a long time realistically, but there was no way of knowing. 

The ambulance had arrived and you were given a shot of some form of steroid and the pain eased slightly, and you could breathe again. As you were being wheeled out, you didn’t look away from Reggie, who was walking beside you, wanting nothing more than to hold your hand. The paramedics were clearly not worried about the slight grabbing motion you were making with your left hand, or with the way you were looking off into the middle distance with an intense look of fear. 

Just as you were loaded into the ambulance, Reggie leaned over to you.

“I love you.” The doors were shut before you could register what was said, and you were off to the hospital. 

–

That night, after dozens of tests, your parents had been told to go home leaving you alone in the hospital. The doctors said you were lucky that your friends acted so quickly, but you couldn’t help but think you weren’t lucky at all. All this meant was that the next one would be worse, and if that didn’t kill you, it would keep getting worse until it did. 

It was the middle of the night and you were still awake. The medication you were given to prevent more muscle spasms that caused the sharp pains could not be mixed with any form of anaesthetics or melatonin supplements. So you were told by the nurse to ‘try and get some sleep’ and left alone in a dark room. 

2am and you were still lying awake, staring at the ceiling. The hospital wing had gone quiet hours ago with only the occasional night-shift nurse walking past to check on you and patients in adjoining rooms. Your mind had wandered to Reggie, as it had frequently since meeting him. But while it usually went to you daydreaming about being able to hold his hand, hug him, finally kiss him, tonight you were running lines on what you would say to him when you finally told him you were dying. 

You couldn’t avoid the topic now, you were sure he knew something was wrong the first night he found you throwing up. After that night, you had nearly fainted on a couple of dates, and had missed two days of school in a row. They all knew something was up. And then there was the matter of being in love with him.

You fell for him quickly, and fell for him hard. Six months was all it took for you to know that you loved Reggie. The idea of falling in love so quickly scared you, but you were also happy that you had fallen in love with someone before dying. When you were first diagnosed, you had spent a lot of time reflecting on those childhood dreams of falling in love and getting married, and how you would never get that. All the huge societal milestones you looked forward to as a child were taken from you, the mental list scribbled out and thrown away.

Then came the matter of what would happen when you died. Would you become a ghost and spend the rest of eternity with the guys? Do you have any unfinished business? Or would you move on to whatever is after death? Would you possibly never see them again? The biggest question though was which option did you want? And if you didn’t have any unfinished business, would you get to choose to stay?

You were trying not to spiral, but in a silent room and your body not going to sleep any time soon, there was nothing to do other than think.

At some point around 3:30am your brain did a quick-change on topics - from your impending death, to the fact that Reggie had said he loved you. A lovestruck smile slowly stretched across your face and you pressed your hands to your cheeks. Reggie loved you. _Reggie was in love with you_. You let out a quiet giggle, trying not to wake up any of the nearby patients, and just as you did, there was a soft knock on your door. You froze, hoping it wasn’t a nurse coming in to tell you to be quiet, and watched to see if the door handle turned. Instead, Reggie, Alex and Luke walked through the door. 

“Sorry!” Even though you were the only person in the hospital who could see and hear them, Alex still whisper-shouted the apology. “We thought you would be asleep, but Julie and Flynn wanted to know if you were okay.” Luke punched him in the arm as you began to sit up in your hospital bed.

“So did we!” They had made it over to your bed, Reggie on your left, taking the seat, with Luke and Alex on your right. 

“Yeah but Julie basically demanded us to come and see if you were still alive.” Luke and Alex laugh at the statement, but the best you can muster is a half-hearted exhale. 

“I was coming in anyway, they tagged along.” Reggie had placed his hand next to your own and had a soft seriousness to his face. He knew that while you were still alive, there was something very wrong.

“Well thank you for checking in either way.” You look away from Reggie and offer the other two a genuine smile. “Doc says I’ll be in for a couple of days, but should be out before the end of the week.” Satisfied with your answer, they both give sharp nods. 

“We’ll be back tomorrow with Julie and Flynn, promise.” And with that, Luke and Alex poof away. 

The room goes quiet again aside from your breathing and the high beeps of the machine reassuring you that your heart was still going. There were so many things that you wanted to say to him, so you were glad for the brief silence to try and collect your thoughts. You needed to tell him you loved him too, and you wanted to tell him that you were dying, but you couldn’t figure out which one to say first.

“I meant it, you know.” Your eyes snap from the door you had been staring at, to Reggie. “When I said I love you. Because I do. And I know it’s probably stupid to say so early, we’ve only been together what? Five months? But I really do.”

“Reg-”

“No I know but you scared the hell out of me and when they were loading you into the ambulance I just had to tell you because… I don’t know. My brain just told me that I had to tell you just in case.” He took a deep breath and looked down, his fingers flexing next to yours as they often did when he wanted to hold your hand. 

“Reggie-” He cut you off again, still looking at his hands.

“No, you don’t have to say it back. I don’t want you to feel pressured into saying it.”

“Reggie stop.” You laugh lightly and he slowly looks back up to you. “I love you too.” You laugh again as he lets out a heaving sigh. 

“You have no idea how badly I want to kiss you right now.” He says it with such intention and your cheeks warm quickly, looking away and pulling your bottom lip slightly between your teeth. The moment is sweet, and you feel so happy. 

But like it so often does, your brain breaks the bliss with the reminder that you were dying and this bliss wouldn’t last long. Reggie noticed this change in demeanour and the huge smile he had drops too. 

“Hey, are you okay?” And finally, after months of hiding it from him, you start crying and shake your head. 

“I’m dying Reggie.” You say it so quietly you hope he didn’t hear, but the sound of a quick breath out is all the indication you need that he did. 

“How long?” Teas still rolling down your cheeks, you turn to meet his eyes, and let out a short sarcastic snort.

“Have I got left or have I known?” It breaks your heart when you see his eyes water and a tear roll down his cheek.

“Both.” It’s a whisper and you can hear his own heart break as he says the word.

“I’ve known for two-ish years now. And at my last big bloods appointment with the doctor I was told eight months. Which gives me…” you rocked your head side to side as you quickly did the math in your head, “about two left.” Your own tears hadn’t stopped, and his only increased in frequency. 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” His voice cracked on ‘us’ as he tried to keep his composure.

“The only people that knew are my parents and the school. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I guess… saying it out loud made it real.” He looks away, nodding, and his fingers flex in the direction of yours again. “I’ll tell them tomorrow, I promise.” He looked back up and smiled before wiping the tears from his chin and the tear-tracks from his cheeks. You mirrored his action before wiggling back to laying down on the bed. “Stay?” Reggie nods and curls up a bit on the chair. Your hands had returned to their positions beside each other. 

“I’ll be here when you wake up.” And he did. Reggie stayed beside your bed until you finally fell asleep, and was there when you woke up. 

Only you woke up to a high tone, and people rushing around your bed. He looked at you, a look of fear and heartbreak across his face, and when you reached out for him in a panic and held his hand, you realised why. 


End file.
